


When Life Hands You ...

by EdenAthene



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Adultery, Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Fluff, Gen, Polyamory, Swearing, so much crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-22
Updated: 2018-03-22
Packaged: 2019-04-06 11:35:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14056131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EdenAthene/pseuds/EdenAthene
Summary: When life hands you sour citrus, throw them back! or you know, find a way to get revenge, in the best way possible.Harry Potter did not like the choices he was handed, so he made others. After all, rules are for other people.





	When Life Hands You ...

**Author's Note:**

> Positive reviews and comments are always welcome; thanks for reading, and please let me know if you enjoyed it.

Harry stared. Neville stared back. “I am sorry, I think I misheard you. Did you just say that Augusta is going to insist that we marry to honour a thousand-year-old contract that everybody’s forgotten?”

Neville nodded glumly. “I see. Does she know that you love Hannah?” he nodded again and watched as warm green eyes froze. “Does she care?” Neville waffled a hand through the air in a so-so gesture. “Well, fuck that. Just because we are married does not mean I expect a fidelity clause in the contract. I suppose the old harridan expects us to live in the Manor with her too?” Neville sighed “Of course she does, Augusta seems to be happy with nothing less than full subservience from all those around her.” Neville looked at Harry “What?! Of course, I am not going to be nice!”

He watched as Harry stomped around the room snarling a bit before suddenly smiling “We can move into the Lodge instead, that way she will be forced to either move in with us thus removing her from her seat of power for decades, or try to micro manage our lives from the Manor.”

Harry grinned “Anyway, I am away at Bruges most of the time, so we shouldn’t spend too much time irritating each other – thank the web-footed friends of the forest I am Ambassador to the ICW!”

Neville watched as Harry stopped mid-stride and turned slowly “Have you told Hannah?” Neville nodded slowly. “She took it badly I take it?” Neville cringed slightly with a pointed look at Harry “Oh, she is uncertain how I will react to a husband that loves somebody else … well I could hardly hold it against you. At least you are only in a relationship with Hannah. I am in love with Luna and Draco, and I don’t intend to give them up any more than I expect you to give Hannah up just because your grandmother is a harpy.” Neville sighed in relief. 

“Thanks Harry.”

-&-

“So, let me get this right … Minister Finch-Fletchley has 783 charges of fraud against him, he has admitted to stealing millions of Galleons from Ministry funds to build his own personal palatial compound, side-lined funds from projects that will improve the life of his people to use as bribes to his cronies, so that he stays in power, been implicated in a number of rape cases – one of the victims being a friend’s daughter … and the people still want him to stay in charge?” Harry stared blankly at Arthur Weasley “To make matters worse – he doesn’t even need more help to stay in power because of all the people that are keeping him there so that they can steal with impunity too.”

Arthur nodded. Harry stared, then blinked “Fuck that.” He snorted in disbelief “I am emigrating.”

“You can’t.” Arthur winced at the fulminating glare thrown his way “You need permission to leave and as a half-blood your chances of getting permission are slim to none.” He shuffled a bit away from the irate man “In fact, your specific case is even worse, as a national treasure they would block your application on the basis that it would embarrass Britain if you left.”

“Why would I stay in a country that has made it very clear that I am not wanted here, and yet, at the same time doesn’t want me to leave; because then, they can’t use me as slave labour to keep it running and looking good in international media?” Harry snarled “I am quite done with being forced into anything.”

“Augusta is a bit set in her ways, and the contract between the Potter and Longbottom families was valid.” Arthur tried to placate the angry wizard standing beside him.

“Of course, the little fact that her grandson is in love with someone else, and is deeply unhappy being married to me should never get in the way of enforcing a valid contract. It is not like she cares for him or his future in any way, now is it?” Arthur watched as Britain’s Ambassador to the World paced around his kitchen “I came back from being Ambassador for Britain to the ICW, because I got a Patronus message saying that I am no longer needed there and will return to Britain for questioning.” Harry slanted a cold look at Arthur “I might add, I have done nothing to give such a rude recall any validation.” He smirked “In fact Hermione was really interested in that memory too when she agreed to become my barrister.” 

Arthur winced and looked away again, missing the vicious grin “Well then … let’s see what happens next why don’t we?” suddenly Harry was all smiles and congeniality. Arthur sighed and wondered about his job prospects elsewhere, he had raised the twin terrors called Gred and Forge – he could recognise when mischief had been decided on.

-&-

The statue forming the bannister of the central staircase in Longbottom Lodge started cracking the moment that Neville and Harry bonded. Stone parting slightly around the scales of the giant coiling naga, looking almost like he had taken in a deep breath.

-&-

Arthur Weasley walked up to the Ministry’s Main Entrance, ready for another Monday of slogging through all the jobs that nobody else could do, or rather that nobody else wanted to do. At least Harry had dropped his case against the Ministry for wrongful termination, though it had been amusing watching Harry storm into the Minister’s office on an almost daily basis. Arthur was a bit concerned though, it was not like Harry to drop the case; and it was even less likely for Hermione to have done so, that young woman was as relentless as Harry was prone to mischief. He sighed shaking his head in bemusement; no need to borrow trouble, sufficient unto the day was the evil after all.

Next to the grand carved granite entryway he spotted a smiling face on a poster, periodically it gave a cheerful smile and wave, and underneath it said: ‘Potter for the Win!’ along with a list of reason why he would make the best Minister of Magic. Arthur froze and stared, slowly other people got curious and gathered around him, chattering about the poster.

“Arthur! I am so glad you are here!” a hearty hand slapped his shoulder; Arthur slowly turned and stared in horror at twinkling green eyes and mischievous grin. Harry slanted a knowing look at Arthur and then did his best Lockhart impersonation, raising his arms in a bid for attention and turning to his avid audience with a slow bright smile “My fellow witches and wizards! And Luna.” He winked at the ethereal blonde reporter “It is my great pleasure to thank you all for the immense interest so many of you have shown in my ideas! It is only after extensive pleading that I agreed to stand for this most august role and step forward to lead our noble society into a bright future!”

A middle-aged witch cheered and clapped, soon being joined by wildly cheering people as they all rushed forward. Arthur could hear them all congratulating Harry and thanking him for being so considerate as they vied with each other to shake his hand. 

Arthur turned to Luna as she drifted to his side “… but it isn’t an election year.” 

“No, it isn’t; but all things change.” Luna blinked solemnly with her large pale eyes. 

-&-

Salazar breathed deeply, it appeared that his and Godric’s descendants had finally bonded, releasing him from Helga’s curse.  
Well now, time to shake off all the dust and discover the world he had woken up in, he thought with relish.

-&-

“Do you mind if I ask for some advice?” Harry’s smile was warm as he kissed Draco’s cheek. Watching the blond approaching the restaurant table was always a treat; even if Draco had chosen the venue, with the full knowledge that Harry hated posh restaurants. 

Draco eyed Harry with curiosity and weighed polite manners against curiosity, then remembering that this was Harry he snorted softly. “Since when do I mind imparting my infinite wisdom to you?” he sat down to soft laughter from Harry.

“I had a wonderful conversation with Hermione yesterday, when I told her about my lovely chat with Arthur regarding our lecherous Minister; she said I should run for Minister just to scare Justin into behaving.” Draco’s eyebrow twitched upwards despite himself “When I said that I did not want to be Minister, she laughed and said I had no worries, obviously nobody would vote for me.” Harry’s face was determinedly bland. Draco looked down at the menu on the table, took a sip of water and signalled the waitress that he was ready to order. “May I have the Chicken Liver Parfait and toasted brioche for myself and my companion, along with a bottle of Morgon Beaujolais; Saffron and Cardamom Poached Pears for afters please.”

Looking up Draco smirked at Harry’s indignant glare “Sorry darling, but I do know you well enough to not allow you to order for yourself at a place like this.”

Sitting back in his seat he regarded Harry seriously “Granger said that did she? That you had no chance of winning the election?” Draco’s eyebrows were expressive of his opinion on the matter, raised in disbelief. “I hate to disagree with such a scarily clever woman, but I shall do so anyway: No, Harry, your chances are actually better than good at winning the election.” He slid a glance at Harry “You know this; and yet here we are … are you finally going to do something about good old Filching-Lechery?” 

Harry smiled, and sighed out “How would you like being one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff along with Hermione?”

Draco was still laughing when the waitress placed his order on the table. “What a perfect response!”

“Maybe she can learn to see how wonderful you are.” Luna brushed a hand over Harry’s shoulder leaning down to smell his wild hair before placing a gentle kiss on Draco’s cheek.

Sitting down at their table she dreamily waved at the waitress, somehow imparting the need for a third serving of whatever they were having. “Of course, darling, I would love to be your Press Secretary.”

-&-

“Hermione … please explain that to me a bit more slowly, and in detail; what do you mean I won?” Green eyes frowned in disbelief “You talked me into doing this by specifically saying that nobody would be stupid enough to vote for me.” 

“I lied.”

“Right. That’s fine then. No, it’s not!” Harry huffed in aggravation, ran his hands through his hair and then fell into a chair opposite her desk, glaring at his best friend “Can we go back to slowly and in detail?” he grumped.

“There’s no need for whining. We needed a better Minister, and you were the only one with a chance of getting rid of Justin and his cohorts of corruption; so, I lied to you.” She flicked a glance at him while continuing with the paperwork. “Anyway, this means you won’t be home as often and will have a better reason for spending time away from Neville, and with Luna.” She capped the fountain pen she was using and replaced it next to the ink pot efficiently “Moving out of Longbottom Lodge into the more secure Ministerial Manor is now not only allowable, but expected by polite society; which means Neville can have Hannah over without Augusta meddling.” She threw an icy glance at the door “Moving out, and leaving her alone in Longbottom Lodge with no access to either of you and no means of control, is the least of what she deserves for the heinous travesty that she forced on you both.” Hermione sat back in her office chair sharply and looked Harry straight in the eye.

“Tricking you into becoming Minister was the best way to make everybody’s lives easier; and while I regret taking this choice away from you, it is vastly easier to ask for forgiveness than try to explain this clearly enough that you would agree.”

Harry sighed and nodded slightly, everything she said was true however that did not make his hurt feelings disappear.

“Well then, considering that this is partly your fault, you are now Chief of Staff along with Draco Malfoy. Congratulations. You will be helping me clean out and dust off the Ministry until it sparkles.” He stood up and stretched while Hermione gaped “Oh, and would you tell Ron that he is now in charge of my security team? Ta.” Harry strolled out the office door and closed it just in time to hear the crash as she threw something fragile at it.

He smiled at the receptionist as he passed her by, listening to the scream of rage and swearing coming from Hermione’s office. “Lovely day, isn’t it? You better get the tea ready for her.” He winked and disapparated.

-&-

“I can’t believe that cockroach!” Hermione stomped around in Harry’s office, waving her hands around in indignation “He can’t let Victor get away with this, it’s a diplomatic nightmare!”

“Are you saying that Draco should have stopped Victor Krum from having a charity gala to celebrate his retirement from Quidditch and his nomination for Minister?”

“Yes!” she hesitated “Well no, but the times are horrifically close – you cannot attend both the charity gala in Sofia, and the IWC Summit in Bruges within hours of each other!”

“Well yes, I can – there is this device known as a port key, alternatively I could always just apparate.” Hermione humphed and stormed out of the office muttering under her breath.

Harry stared at the corner of his office, eyebrow raised in silent suspicion “You can come out now.” Luna and Draco popped out from under the invisibility cloak silently laughing at his exasperated smile.

-&-

Arthur knew he would have to tell Molly something, after all he had just resigned. Harry had scoffed at him, torn his resignation letter up and said something that made no sense at all “Watch this space.”

Arthur still did not know what that meant. He had asked what space he should be watching, and watched as Harry and Hermione burst into giggles before Harry had pulled him into a hug “Thanks Arthur, I needed that.” And then they walked away.

Which left Arthur here, outside the Burrow, still employed at the Ministry but without the slightest hint of what he was actually supposed to do. Sighing he walked through the door “Molly-coddles, I am home!” he called.

“How was your day love?” she called from the kitchen.  
He sighed as he tugged off the scarf she had crocheted for him, “Unusual.” He tightened his hug and breathed in her scent. “Very unusual.”

“I resigned today.”

“You did what now?”

“Don’t worry love, Harry tore it up and walked away giggling.”

“Oh, that scamp would do something like that.” She sighed “What on earth were you thinking even trying to resign?”

“I thought it might look bad, if he had his sort-of adopted father working for him.”

“Oh love, there are times when I wonder what world you live in.” Molly sighed.

-&-

“Mate, are you sure about this?” Ron’s face was twisted into a confused frown as he stared down at his daughter’s sleeping face.

“Which one? Making you head of my security team? Being elected for Minister?”

“What, no! Draco Malfoy! He is a right little b … lighter. No, are you sure you did the right thing making him a Chief of Staff along with Hermione? Why did you do that mate?” he whined as softly as he could in an effort to not wake Rose.

“Revenge. Oh, and a lesson … or two” Ron blinked in slow comprehension.

“Oh, she has been a bit difficult about him.”

“Right. She also got me in this mess, so hopefully she will learn to think before lying to me again.”

“That’s alright then, just fine and dandy.” Scepticism and disbelief radiated out from Ron like some form of negative sunlight filling the Burrow’s kitchen.

“Fun though.” Harry smiled in anticipation, watching as Ron caught on and started smiling too.

“Fun, he says; let’s put two opinionated, clever and vocal people, with opposing values, into volatile situations together. That’s fun; right then, that’s brilliant.” Ron’s smile grew “Can I just say, that we are both idiots?”

“You can.” Harry laughed at him while Ron grinned fatuously down at his daughter.

-&-

Salazar looked down at where his legs had been … since when was he a naga? Not that he was disappointed, his colouring and scale patterns were rather beautiful, but still, this would make getting around unnoticed a bit difficult.

At least he could move easily, and fast, having been a snake Animagus certainly helped him adjust quickly.  
Now to find his descendant.

-&-

“Harry, just what do you mean by this bill?” Draco waved pieces of paper under Harry’s nose.

Harry blinked, and they disappeared from view as Hermione grabbed and started reading them “What?” she stared down in disbelief. “… I can’t …” 

“Harry James Potter! I cannot believe you are doing this to me, I am actually agreeing with Malfoy.”

“Granger, please don’t say that, you are making me feel ill.” Draco visibly swallowed “However, family is important in the wizarding world and I do not understand why you would put this heinous policy into action.” He sat down on a chair by the fireplace “Please explain your reasoning to me.”

“Harry, you can’t just take children away from their parents.” Aghast at such a cold-blooded approach Hermione sank into the chair next to Draco without even noticing.

“Do you know the statistics regarding magical children raised in the muggle world?” Harry paused before continuing in a softer voice “Do you know what my childhood was like?” Draco and Hermione both nodded slowly. “Then you will know that … when I learn that, on average, of every 10 children born with magic and raised in the muggle world, whether muggleborn or half blood, only 3 make it to Hogwarts, I will have it investigated?” he put folders down on the coffee table by Draco and Hermione “These are the findings, read them and then we can talk.”

Draco stared after Harry as he walked out of his own office, spine straight and shoulders stiff. When he glanced back Granger had already started reading a folder, so he took the next one and started reading too.

-&-

“Hey Neville.” Harry greeted his husband as he walked through the door “Good evening Hannah, when are you moving in? Neville gets lonely without you.” He kissed both on the cheek as he passed them on the way to the kitchen.

“Harry?” Neville followed Harry into the kitchen, watching as he went about getting ingredients “What happened? You only bake muffins when you are stressed” Hannah snuggled against Neville considering the problem of Harry.

“Oh, you had a bad day at work … did you have a disagreement with Hermione?”

“And Draco.” Harry ducked under the counter to get the muffin tins, missing the slow look between the pair watching him.

“They disapproved of a measure I want to put in place to prevent magical children being abused in the muggle world.” Harry started measuring out Pecan nuts, Neville twitched and held Hannah’s hand; Maple and toasted Pecan muffins were usually the last resort just before fire whiskey. 

Taking a deep breath Neville began carefully “So what about it did they disagree with, because saving children is supposed to be good.” 

Harry flashed him a smile as he measured out whole wheat flour “The part where the children are taken away from their obliviated parents.” A gush of air escaped Hannah as she gasped.

“That is a bit harsh, isn’t it?”

“Even more so if you consider that only the parents will be obliviated, the schools and other authorities will know there was supposed to be a child there.” He started mixing his dry ingredients as he spoke “Considering that this measure will only be put into effect once the child has been wilfully hurt, to the point of bleeding, by the parents; it means that any investigation into the disappearing child will likely result in fairly serious charges against the parents.” There was something so harmless looking about a man mixing dough that Neville experienced cognitive dissonance when thinking about what was said.

“Wilfully harmed the child to the point that there is blood?” Hannah repeated softly as she thought about it.

“Yes, it is actually a requirement of the enchantment we will use to monitor this type of thing; Magic herself will be the deciding factor, with no human involvement at all.”

Hannah nodded slightly “Then I think they didn’t read through it carefully enough, and flew off the handle without giving it proper thought.”

Neville looked serious as he slowly blinked “Can you make it so this is for all magical children, and not just those in the muggle world?”

Harry stopped beating the butter and other ingredients and looked up at his husband “Why do you want me to do that Neville?” he asked softly.

“Magical children are not only hurt by their parents, and they are not only hurt in the muggle world … can we make allowances for that?”

Harry sighed went around the counter, and hugged his husband “Sure we can. Once Hermione comes around, we can modify the enchantment.”

“That sounds about right.” Hermione said from the door. “It would actually simplify the enchantment.” Draco murmured from beside her.

-&-

Salazar stared at the happily smiling and dancing blonde as she whirled around him “Great Grand-daddy Sally!” she sang out in a whispy voice “Oh, Harry is going to be so happy I found you; I am so glad the bibbering humdingers finally let you out of the stone.” She twirled around in the meadow and somehow managed to tuck a dandelion behind his ear. Salazar wondered if she was representative of what the human race was now, a thousand years in the future. 

He rather hoped so, she was refreshing.

-&-

“Head of The Magical Children Welfare department?” Arthur queried softly “But Harry there is no such thing.”

Harry sighed softly “As of this morning, when the bill passed, yes, it is a real thing.” Arthur watched as Harry stretched tiredly “I had to fight tooth and nail to get this through Arthur, you will face stiff opposition and this will not be an easy job. I apologise for the stress this will bring you and Molly both.” Arthur was confused “What bill are you talking about?”

“This one.” Harry handed over a pile of parchment “At this moment Draco and Hermione are powering up the ward schema, this will take the rest of the day as it will cover all of Great Britain.” He sat down and looked Arthur in the eye with the most serious face that Arthur had ever seen. “This bill is … the ward will monitor the health and welfare of every magical child on our islands. They will be removed from harm the moment they are wilfully hurt by their caretakers, or parents. The ward scheme will only activate if a magical child is bleeding from whatever harm was inflicted and if that harm was inflicted with the intention of making that child hurt, bleed and to do so again in the future; and the people who inflicted the harm, or allowed it to happen, will be obliviated of the child’s existence.”

Arthur could only stare in disbelief at Harry “I cannot trust anybody else to oversee the children’s health and welfare once they are removed from their situation.” Harry tugged at his hair and fidgeted “You will need Molly too, even if it is only so she can save your sanity after being exposed to the stories of these children.”

“Neville and Hannah will be overseeing the children’s living conditions, I have renovated, re-warded and restocked the Pottery and donated it to the cause.” Harry sighed “Augusta will have a conniption, but Neville and Hannah are invested and felt that the children would need younger adults as well as yourself and Molly.”

“Harry, this will in effect make Molly and myself grandparents to all these children.”

“Yes. I can’t wait to hear Molly squealing.” Harry smiled suddenly in glee. “Oh, I hope Augusta enjoys all the grandchildren too. Neville and I already decided we will be adopting one … or three.”

-&-

“Harry, meet Sally, your great great great great great great great great grand-daddy!” Luna sang out as she walked into his office, followed by an emerald green and silver naga with broad shoulders and impressive musculature, made more eye catching by the holstered daggers crossing over his chest. 

Somehow Harry knew that if he opened his office door and looked down the passageway there would be aurors there, of course they would only be passing innocently by. Harry snorted, not that he would be fool enough to ask them why they are loitering, in fact …

Harry poked his head out the door. 

Yes, some aurors were there; ‘just passing by’ their nervous smiles seemed to say. 

He sighed “You can go back to work guys, this is just a Luna-thing, no need for concern.”  
“Are you sure boss?” Susan Bones looked worriedly at his office door where he had his back to the naga. Harry laughed softly, from inside the office they could hear Luna whistling and singing about the snakes in the family tree.

“No worries Susan. Just listen a moment.” a masculine chuckle preceded a deep chorus about how snakes made the best bedfellows, because ‘they knew how to get things hot and steamy’ to delighted laughter from Luna.

“I see sir, do enjoy your visit.” She smirked and herded everybody away from his door with shooing motions and explanations about family.

Harry popped back into his office and smiled at his beloved “Hello Luna” he idly watched as she twirled around the smiling naga with her hair billowing out in joy.

The naga had unusually large rounded eyes, a lovely dark shade of green with flecks of milk jade running out in spokes from the pupil, he had not opened his hood but it appeared to be a beautifully fanning pattern of green and light grey that was already striking even while relaxed.

“My name is Harry, pleased to meet you.” He hissed in parseltongue.

“I am certainly glad to see that my gift survived the eon in my descendants.” He smirked at Harry “Salazar Slytherin at your service.”

Harry sat down on his desk “Well crap.”

“Indeed, your darling Moon has been telling me tales about this time, and those preceding it.” Salazar’s deep smooth voice almost seemed to slink around the office with the hisses and melodious accent propagating densely as they echoed. 

“Well, beloved, you do bring me the most interesting presents.” Luna danced over and kissed his cheek. 

“You are welcome love, do enjoy him.” She breathed a kiss over Salazar’s cheek too, before skipping out the door singing about how the ‘hedgehog can’t be buggered at all’.

“That is the most refreshingly wonderful young woman, you are lucky to have her in your life.” Salazar smiled after the departing Luna.

“Yes, she is one of the lights of my life.”

“One?”

“Yes, considering the commotion outside when you arrived I expect the second will be arriving soon.” Harry smiled at Salazar before conjuring a nest in front of the fireplace and lighting a fire. “Please, have a seat.” He smiled as he watched his ancestor flow into the nest with an approving murmur “Would you like something to drink?” 

Salazar’s answer was cut short by the door slamming open and Hermione stormed in “Harry James Potter! What did I tell you about not doing anything stupid or dangerous?”

“Ah, the other light?” murmured Salazar in query, as Harry smiled and started shaking his head.

Draco stormed in and threw an expelliarmus at Salazar “No,” Harry chuckled “this one is the other light of my life.” He caught the daggers and handed them back to Salazar throwing a pointed look at Draco.

“Hello Hermione.” He kissed Draco softly “Hello love; thank you, but that is not necessary. Salazar has been the epitome of courteous.”

“Salazar?” Draco croaked.

“Hmm, yes. Salazar Slytherin, my ancestor, and founder of my line.” Harry smiled and conjured a chair beneath Draco to sit down.

“Bugger.”

“Indubitably.” Salazar opined.

“Oh, bloody bollocking hell.” Ron Weasley summed up from the door while cradling his daughter to his chest. “I heard that your office was being attacked, and raced right over,” he shook his head with a wry grin “but only you mate.”

“Ronald!” Hermione gasped “Not in front of Rose!” then she turned to Harry, “Oh stop smiling you great buffoon.” She snapped “This is disastrous!”

Luna breezed in through the door “Oh I have brought some fire whiskey for Sally, and butter beer for Harry, some coffee for Ron and some tea for Hermione, oh and don’t forget heres some milk for little Rose, and honey mead for me!”

“Most refreshing.” Salazar rumbled out happily.

Harry just sat there smiling at his little slice of chaos, it was wild, disorganised, contentious and complicated but he loved it nevertheless.


End file.
